


Nothing But A Memory

by TrixieBastard



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-02-23 06:49:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2538233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrixieBastard/pseuds/TrixieBastard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>MMFD / Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind crossover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_January 14, 2002_

_Today I skipped work and took the train to Leeds. I couldn’t really afford the £32 for the ticket, but neither could I face going into that office today. I feel like I’m going to suffocate every time I set foot in that beige monolith._

_I don’t know what I expected from a 2-hour-long train ride, but somehow I’m disappointed. Everything here is just as dreary as it is in Stamford. It’s the same cold grey sky and the same cold grey people. Nothing happens, nothing changes._

_I saw Liam last night at some party Chlo dragged me to.  We had sex. I’m not sure if I enjoyed myself or not; Liam’s always been no good for me, and I know that now, but sometimes it’s nice to feel wanted.  Lord knows none of the other lads there were remotely interested -- when you’ve known the same people for most of your life, you can’t really expect anyone to suddenly change their mind about you._

 

Rae looked up from where she sat in a small café, her journal open on the table and a pen poised between her fingers. She took a sip of her ginger tea as she gazed out through the large plate glass storefront, watching the Headingley Lane passersby. Most of them looked like office workers or university students out for lunch, tired and pale under their winter coats. She supposed she blended in rather well.

 

Her cup rattled on the saucer as she replaced it, shifting her attention back to the half-filled page in front of her. Her hand glided over the creamy paper as she wrote.

 

_Maybe I should just get back with Liam._

Rae set her pen down and stared at the last line, a confusing blend of emotions rolling through her. She couldn’t identify them all, but two distinct feelings bubbled up: disgust and loneliness. Scoffing softy at her own desperation, Rae clapped the diary shut and stuffed it into her canvas messenger bag, tossing the pen in after. She settled back into her chair as she resumed drinking her brew, the ginger root tea with honey both flavorful and warming. It tasted like Christmas.

 

As she was finishing the last few sips of her drink, Rae saw a lad walking towards the shop, his head lowered against the bitter midwinter wind. Her eyes followed him over the rim of her cup as he entered the café, a small bell above the door announcing his presence with a cheery tinkle. He unwound his tartan scarf as he claimed the table furthest from Rae, nodding a hello to the waitress as she approached to take his order. The café was tiny enough that it was impossible to not hear his order, which was a triple espresso and a cinnamon scone.  

 

Realizing that she’d gone unnoticed by him, Rae continued to assess the new arrival. She rather liked the beat-up leather jacket he wore – it reminded her a bit of the one she had back home. The scarf was a bit dodgy, to be sure. Maybe it had been a gift, and he was the kind of person who used gifts no matter what. Or, more likely, he didn’t care what he looked like as long as what he wore was serviceable. It certainly looked warm, from what she could tell.

 

She hadn’t realized she’d been staring until he glanced over at her with a furrowed brow. She’d not meant to stare – she’d only been making up a story in her head like she so often did about strangers, but there was no way for him to know that. Rae felt her face warm as she looked away, trying and failing to seem casual about it.   _If I'm constitutionally incapable of making eye contact with a man I don't know, maybe I_ should _listen to myself and go back to Liam. At least I can look him in the eye._

Mortified at getting caught out, Rae beckoned the waitress and paid her bill. She stood and donned her heavy wool peacoat, buttoning the navy jacket and gathering her bag and scarf. Even after all these years of therapy with Dr. Stanton, Rae couldn’t bear the thought of anybody, even someone she’d never see again, finding her odd or abnormal. She exited the café, not bothering to wind the scarf around her neck until she was well down the block, moving as quickly away from her embarrassment as possible. 

 

As she waited at a zebra crossing, Rae checked her watch. It was almost half noon, and she had a couple hours until she needed to catch the train back to Stamford. She had more than enough time to pay a proper visit to  _Oi!_. The small record shop was run by two ex-punks and had a slightly more eclectic collection than the tried-and-true Britpop and rock on Top Volume’s shelves, and though Rae loved Top V, she sometimes craved a different, less suburban experience.

 

She hurried across Headingley as the pedestrian light changed, enjoying the feeling of being an anonymous person in the crowd. In Stamford, she could hardly take a step without someone calling out to her in greeting or in derision -- both were equally distressing for her social anxiety, and she still had days where she avoided leaving her flat to ensure nobody would speak to her. Here in Leeds, nobody cared who she was and she could exist in peace, surrounded by the buzz and chaos of the thriving city. If her family and Dr. Stanton weren’t such important pieces of her sanity, she would have moved up here ages ago.

 

 _Oi!_  was located a block away from the university campus and usually had a handful of customers at any given time. Even so, midday on a Thursday wasn’t a peak time for music connoisseurs to be shopping. As such, Rae was one of three people flipping through the rows of albums, which was perfect – she’d have no problem commandeering a listening booth for an hour or two with so few people there. She took her time as she browsed, gathering a short stack of CDs to take to the back. Once she’d settled on six probable purchases, Rae slipped into the leftmost booth and punched the first album code into the machine. The Stooges’  _Fun House_  began to play, Iggy Pop yelping into her ears -- she knew a few of his songs both with the Stooges and solo, but she’d never bought any of the albums, which she felt was irresponsible for someone who had a superior knowledge of music. She’d walked in to  _Oi!_ already knowing that she would be getting an Iggy album – this listening booth bit was nothing more than a formality.

 

Rae finished the track sample of “Down on the Street” and began the next, eventually coming to the end of the album. She nodded to herself and set  _Fun House_  in the ‘to buy’ pile, picking up the next CD in her stack of potentials. Even though the preview machine only allowed for track samples rather than full songs, she had quite a bit to get through before she needed to be back at the railway station.

 

By the time her mind was set on which albums to purchase, it was quarter past two. She had thirty-five minutes to catch the bus to Leeds Station in time for the train home. She gathered the reject CDs and the two that she had decided on and brought them to the counter. She gave the clerk a small smile, mentally placing a bet on whether or not he’d recognize her this time. She’d been coming to  _Oi!_  for a couple of years now, and it seemed like the scruffy uni kid was the clerk every time she stopped by.

 

If he did recognize her, he gave no sign, and she was out the door with hardly a word. Rae laughed to herself as she walked the block and a half to the bus stop – she’d bet that he wouldn’t, and now she owed herself a Cornetto. Fortunately, she already had a box of them in her freezer – she’d spent enough on the day’s impromptu outing without having to pay out more, even if it was only 94p.

 

The Brown Line bus arrived just as Rae was approaching the stop, her head down as she fished her FirstDay ticket out of her wallet. She hurried her pace over the last few steps as she realized the bus was there, the driver patiently waiting for her. Once aboard, Rae found a seat near the front of the bus, preferring to be able to see not only out of the window at her side, but out of the windscreen as well – no matter how many times she’d caught this bus over years of visiting Leeds, she always felt as if she’d miss her stop if she couldn’t see it coming from a block or two away.

 

The barren expanse of Hyde Park was to her right as the bus moved forward, the buildings of the university visible just beyond the naked trees. The unusual lack of snow meant the park was empty, no one willing to bear the cold without the promise of a snowball fight. Once past the park, the University of Leeds dominated the view with a multitude of separate schools. Rae had almost attended Leeds, but had gone on to Leicester instead. She often wondered how different her uni experience would have been if she’d gone to Leeds as originally planned. Leicester hadn’t been awful or unbearable, but she’d wanted to try life in a big city. Then her mother had stepped in and derailed that idea, insisting that Rae would be happier in a place like Leicester and that it would be easier for the family to visit, being so close to home – wouldn’t it be lovely?

 

Rae sighed as the bus passed the last of the campus, heading towards City Square. As the bus rounded the corner just before the Headrow, Rae let out a groan -- a group of emergency vehicles with flashing lights was blocking off the leftmost lane, forcing traffic to merge right. Cars were backed up for the entire block, creeping past what looked from Rae’s perspective to be a minor accident. Rae glanced at her watch and furrowed her brow as she noted the time. If they weren’t past this mess in three minutes, she might very well miss her train. She leaned forward in her seat as if to urge the bus on, her fingers nervously drawing circles on her knee.

 

After what seemed an eternity, the bus edged past the accident site. Rae peered across the bus, trying to see what warranted three response vehicles. From what she could tell, it wasn’t much. She let out a small, huffed breath and preemptively slipped the strap of her bag over her shoulder, preparing herself so she could disembark the moment the bus stilled at the Leeds Station stop. If she was quick about it, she would be able to make her train.

 

Rae was standing at the exit as the bus pulled up, and before the doors were open all the way, she was pushing through them and checking her timetable. _Of course platform 12C’s practically the furthest away_ , she thought cynically, moving nimbly past the commuters waiting on their trains. She could see her train already waiting at the platform and began to jog, clutching her bag to her side. She paused at a ticket machine, swiping her bank card and punching in her information. Her fingers drummed on her thigh as she waited for her ticket to print, her eyes flicking from the machine to the train.  _Oh, come on!_

 

The final departure announcement was made for her line as Rae was descending the stairs from the bridge that spanned the outer platforms. She groaned as she saw the doors begin to close and had almost given up when a man ran past her and clamped a hand around the edge of one of the doors, preventing it from closing. He slipped inside, but before the doors had a chance to glide shut again, Rae yelled out.

 

“12C! Hold the train please?!”

 

Rae wasn’t sure if she was heard over the mechanical voice that was insisting that passengers clear the doors to ensure the train remained on time until a booted foot impeded the automatic door as it attempted to close again. Rae jogged up to the entrance with a relieved expression that shifted to surprise, then to a studied polite smile as she realized the man who had held the door was the same one she’d seen in the café that afternoon. He met her smile with a slight nod as she passed into the car with murmured thanks, wordlessly following her to the seating area.

 

Rae chose a spot near the rear of the car, pretending not to notice that Café Lad had picked a table seat nearby. She rummaged around in her bag, pulling out her Discman and headphones before taking out the  _Oi!_  bag. She held  _Fun House_  and Adam and the Ants’  _Kings of the Wild Frontier_ up, one in each hand as she debated which to listen to first. After a moment’s deliberation, she popped open the Stooges’ case and settled the disc into her player. She set the empty case on the seat next to her and put Adam back in her bag for safekeeping. Donning her earbuds, Rae pressed the play button and leaned back in her seat, looking out at the city as the train began to pick up speed. Leaving Leeds never happened without Rae feeling a pang of regret and the realization that she never should have let her mum talk her out of moving up there.

 

\--

 

The train was approaching Doncaster when Rae saw Café Lad stand and begin walking back towards where she sat, presumably to go to the toilets just beyond. Not wanting to seem like a weirdo, Rae tried to not watch him, but couldn’t help looking up as he got closer. It was like a reflex -- she was always sizing people up, deciding if she needed to brace herself for a rude comment or unwanted small talk, even if there wasn’t any reason she should expect either to happen. She hated feeling like she was perpetually taking a defensive stance, but she hadn’t been able to break herself of the habit.

 

When she glanced up, Rae was surprised to see that he’d been looking at her as he neared, wearing an appraising but not unfriendly expression. Their eyes met for a split second before Rae dropped her gaze, but not before she saw his attention turn to the CD case next to her. She thought she detected the barest hint of a smile as he noted the band, but he was already continuing down the aisle before she could decide if she had or not.

 

\--

 

Café Lad had been back at his seat for ten minutes, waiting for the train to depart Doncaster when a family of five boarded their carriage. Once he saw the haggard parents searching for a group of seats near one another, Café Lad stood and offered his table seat to the family. The mother thanked him profusely, glad she and her husband wouldn’t have to wrangle their kids from separate rows of seats. Rae saw Café Lad give the mother an embarrassed grimace before turning and making his way to the seat across the aisle from her. She watched as he sat ungracefully, their eyes meeting for a second time. This time she was certain he’d smiled a bit, and she gave him a small one of her own. She was about to turn her attention back to the window when she heard a muffled voice. She glanced back to see Café Lad giving her an expectant look, eyebrows raised in question.

 

Rae removed her left earbud. “I’m sorry, did you ask me something?”

 

“Asked if ya thought  _Fun House_ is a better album than  _Raw Power_.”

 

 _Shit. Small talk._ “I haven’t heard  _Raw Power_ , so I’ll have to say that  _Fun House_  has my vote for now,” Rae answered, wondering if there was a polite way to put her earbud back in and end the nascent conversation before it even started. Sure, she’d admired the look of him back at the coffee shop, but she had zero interest in chatting with him – she didn’t have the energy to try and appear interesting enough to talk to.

 

Café Lad nodded. “Fair enough, but if you like that,” he said, gesturing to the  _Fun House_  case, “don’t give it a miss. It’s mint.”

 

Rae was about to thank him for the recommendation when an ear-splitting scream filled the carriage. The smallest child of the family at the table seat was wailing and kicking, much to the mother’s dismay. The scene carried on for several minutes, none of the parents’ attempts to calm the child down having any effect. Rae exchanged a glance with Café Lad, who winced.

 

“Damn shame it’s too late to switch carriages,” he muttered, barely audible even from a seat away.

 

Rae nodded in agreement as another cry pierced the air. “Fuckin’ hell,” she whispered, closing her eyes. “This is why I don’t want kids.”

 

A low chuckle sounded from across the aisle. Rae opened her eyes and watched as Café Lad’s smile shifted into a more hopeful expression as he began digging in his pocket.

 

“Don’t suppose you have any extra batteries with ya? My Walkman died this morning and I could really use some tunes right about now,” he explained as he noted Rae’s curious expression. “I can buy ‘em off of ya,” he added, brandishing two notes he had fished out of his pocket.

 

Rae shook her head, an apologetic grimace quirking her lips to the side. “No, I don’t, sorry. These were my last two,” she said, waving her CD player. Another wail split the air and they both winced. Feeling rather sorry for the lad, Rae thought of how much she’d hate it if she was stuck on a train for hours having to listen to a crying kid and nothing more. It would be awful, and it’d drive her madder than she already was. With this in mind, she steeled herself and held out the free earbud. “I can share if you like,” she offered, wondering how strange the offer must seem until she saw the spark of relief in his eyes.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Rae nodded, swallowing her nerves before responding. “Mm-hmm, it’s alright. Better than listening to that all afternoon,” she added quietly, tilting her head towards the frazzled family.

 

“Alrigh’, as long as you’re sure,” Café Lad replied, double-checking with her before grabbing his messenger bag and sliding into the seat next to Rae. He took the earbud from Rae with calloused fingers, settling it into his ear before stowing his bag under his seat. Rae stared at the head rest of the seat in front of her, unsure of how to proceed. As she was considering how she could keep to herself despite this odd arrangement, the current track ended with a wailing guitar. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Café Lad open his mouth to speak, only to shut it without saying anything. Cursing her curiosity but unable to deny it, Rae glanced over at him with a raised eyebrow.

Café Lad caught her gaze with his and gave her a sheepish grimace. “Er, was ‘bout to ask if we could repeat that track, but that’s daft.”

 

Rae frowned. “Why would that be daft?”

 

“Ya just listened to it,” he answered, his tone conveying his confusion at having to state the obvious.

 

“So? You wouldn’t believe the number of times I put ‘Cigarettes & Alcohol’ on repeat when I first heard it.” Rae picked up the CD player and hit the Previous button twice, bringing them back to the start of  _1970_. Before he could protest, Rae put the player down and leaned back in her seat, bringing her right hand up to plug the ear that was still being subjected to blood-curdling wails. She could feel Café Lad’s stare for a moment before he followed her lead, blocking his left ear as he sat back.  _Good._

The last two tracks of the album played out before Rae dropped her hand and reached for the Discman, popping out  _Fun House_ and snapping it back into its case. She pulled out  _Kings of the Wild Frontier_ and a couple of her old standards for travel (and for life in general),  _Definitely, Maybe_  and Pulp’s  _Different Class_. She held the three discs up to Café Lad, her question unspoken. He considered his choices before tapping his finger on Pulp. Rae gave a small sound of approval as she settled the CD into the player, clicking the lid shut and pressing play. Jarvis Cocker’s mellow tones filled her ear in direct contrast to the noise being generated by the family at the table seat. The youngest child didn’t seem to be screaming anymore, but it was amazing how much noise three children could make by just  _being_.

 

To Rae’s surprise, Café Lad seemed content to do nothing but listen to music. She’d expected him to attempt conversation between tracks (or worse yet,  _during_ ), but he had remained quiet, leaning back in his seat with closed eyes. Appreciative of his silence, Rae watched the countryside flash by, her foot keeping time with the beat.

 

‘Sorted for E’s and Wizz’ was wrapping up when the announcement for Peterborough came over the public address system. Rae removed her earbud and was turning to Café Lad to explain that this was her stop, only to see him holding the earbud he’d been using out to her.

 

“This your stop too?” he asked, having noticed the way Rae had turned towards him.

 

“Yeah,” she answered as she pressed the power button on the CD player, turning it off before wrapping the earbuds around it. She neglected to mention that the only reason for her to stop in Peterborough was to transfer to the train bound for Stamford. For some reason, she preferred him not knowing she was from that backwater of a town.

 

His eyebrows rose and he made a  _huh_ sound, indicating his surprise. “Well, thanks for the tunes,” he said, standing and slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Made the trip seem a lot shorter.”

 

Unsure how to respond, Rae smiled up at him and nodded before looking down to her bag, sliding the Discman inside and making sure she had everything she needed for the last leg of her rail trip. She pretended not to notice as Café Lad walked away to stand near the rear door and though she normally would have done the same, she remained seated until the train came to a full stop at the Peterborough station.

 

Rae stood aside to let the disruptive family off, answering the parents’ apologetic winces with a small smile. She also let an elderly couple and a pair of college-aged kids out before her for good measure, wanting to be sure Café Lad would be well and truly lost in the crowd before she ventured out – she didn’t fancy the idea of feeling obligated to continue a conversation. Once she felt the coast was clear, she exited and headed for Platform 2, the imminent return to her routine weighing on her – a half day in Leeds had not been enough to relieve her of her stress.  _I need a proper holiday_.

 

The robotically calm, feminine voice of a station agent accessing the public address system broke into Rae’s thoughts, a mention of Stamford catching her attention as she waited at her platform.

 

_“Your attention please: Service from Peterborough to Stamford has been temporarily delayed due to a track circuit failure. Please be assured we are working as quickly as possible to resolve the issue. If you have any inquiries or need assistance finding an alternative mode of transportation, please address the CrossCountry representative at the information desk.”_

Rae threw her head back and groaned towards the sky. If the rail wasn’t running, her options were to either ring her mum and Karim to beg for a lift or catch the bus. She couldn’t imagine her parents being amenable to picking her up like a child after school, so she was going to be stuck on a bus full of commuters for twice as long as she would have been on the train. Riding the bus through the sticks was utterly different than busing in Leeds – at least there were things to look at in the city. She didn’t feel like going home, to be sure, but the bus ride between here and home was glummer than an evening shut inside her dull flat.

 

A number of fellow commuters turned and headed towards the bus terminal opposite of the platform, Rae moving amongst them as they crossed the tiled floor of the station interior. They exited the cozy building and queued up at the bus bay for the 201 line, huddled in their anoraks as the sharp January wind bit at them.

 

They’d been waiting for six or seven minutes when a small white car pulled up, illegally blocking the bay. It took a second for Rae to realize it was Café Lad behind the wheel and that he was staring at her, almost as if he was willing her to notice him. Once he saw that he had her attention, he beckoned her with a wave. Wide-eyed at his disregard for the law, Rae moved towards the car – the sooner she spoke to him, the sooner he’d move his vehicle away from the bus bay.

 

“Er, hey,” Rae greeted as he rolled his window down, her eyes scanning for the expected bus. It wouldn’t go well for him if he were still blocking the bus’ access when it arrived.

 

“Hey, just wondered if I could give you a lift. Y’know, to pay ya back for the tunes,” he asked, looking up at her from the window, eyelids half-closed against the pervasive wind.

 

Rae blinked, taken aback by his offer. “Um,” she managed, her fingers closing tightly over the shoulder strap of her bag. She turned her face in the direction of the wind, her hair blowing back as she considered her options. His offer had come out of the blue, which seemed a good bit beyond odd. What if he was some sort of creep? All she’d been able to determine during the train ride was that he had at least a semi-decent taste in music, which could say a lot about a person, but not everything. He seemed nice, though… Conflicted, Rae peered at him with narrowed eyes and a furrowed brow, a stare that he met with a hint of amusement. After a moment under her scrutiny, he threw his hands up and gave a small huff.

 

“Alrigh’, just thought I’d offer.” He began rolling his window up, only to be interrupted by Rae placing her hand over the top of the glass.

 

“I’m goin’ to Stamford,” Rae admitted, figuring that he wouldn’t want to drive a near-stranger all the way out to the sticks. To her surprise, he tilted his head towards the left, indicating the passenger seat.

 

“C’mon, then.”

 

As she rounded the front of the car, Rae took a mental inventory of her bag. She had keys, CDs, earbud wires, hand sanitizer, a book… if he did end up being a weirdo, she had ways to defend herself. Plus she’d found out a few years ago that she had a decent right hook, so if Café Lad turned out to be trouble, she’d be able to hold him off. Not that she could imagine him (or anyone) wanting to cause trouble with her, not when people like the petite blonde at the front of the queue were around.

 

Rae opened the passenger door and dropped into the seat as lightly as she could manage, closing the door and shutting out the wind. Grateful for the bit of heat blowing through the vents, she held her hand up to one of them, flexing her cold-stiffened fingers as the hot air loosened them up.

 

“That warm enough? I can turn it up.”

 

Rae shook her head. “No, it’s fine,” she replied, a shade too hastily. Café Lad narrowed his eyes at her before reaching over and dialing the heat up a notch. Embarrassed, Rae dropped her hand to her lap, taking the strap of her bag in a tight grasp.

 

“So, Stamford?” Café Lad asked before trapping his lower lip between his teeth and checking his rearview mirrors before backing the car out of the bay.

 

Rae nodded, a fraction of her nervousness alleviated now that they were no longer illegally parked. “Yeah. D’you know how to get there?”

 

“Aye, a good mate of mine used to live there, took me to visit once.” He cast an appraising glance at Rae before adding, “Y’might know him, ya look about the same age. Archie Tyler.”

 

“...You know Archie.” Rae’s tone was flat, turning the question into a statement of disbelief.

 

Café Lad nodded, keeping his eyes on the road as he navigated the city streets. “Know him from work. He’s a top lad.”

 

Rae relaxed for the first time since disembarking the train. “He is. He’s not my best mate or anything, but I was sad when he moved to the city. I’m in Peterborough every day and see him over lunch sometimes, but it’s not the same.” Rae’s mouth had loosened along with the grip on her bag strap -- being friends with a person like Archie was the sort of pedigree Rae felt she could trust.

 

The car pulled onto Nene Parkway, heading north. At first it seemed like the trip would be nothing but smooth sailing, until they approached the A47. Rae checked the clock in the middle console – it was quarter past five, prime time for peak traffic, which explained the backlog of cars on the road. She heard Café Lad curse under his breath and felt guilty. For all she knew, he’d be relaxing at home by now if he hadn’t been kind and offered her a lift to bloody Stamford. She was about to apologize when he glanced down at the bag in her lap.

 

“Oasis?”

 

“Uh, sure.” Rae dug in her bag and produced the CD as Café Lad hit the eject button on the CD deck, the machine spitting out a homemade mix disc that he balanced on his thigh as he took  _Definitely, Maybe_  from Rae. He slid it into the CD slot before cocking a thumb over his shoulder, speaking over the whirr of the disc reader.

 

“There should be a case behind my seat,” he said, handing the mix disc over to Rae. She craned her neck and peered into the backseat, locating the largest CD wallet she’d ever seen. She hefted it onto her lap, marveling at the weight of it.

 

“Does this go anywhere specific?” she asked as she unzipped the wallet, unsure if he had a filing system for a collection of this size.

 

“Just put it anywhere, don’t matter.”

 

Rae flipped through the pages of CDs, four to each side. She saw a lot of familiar album art as she looked for an empty slot. She laughed as she noticed a copy of  _Definitely, Maybe_  and tapped it loudly, raising an eyebrow. Café Lad glanced over, a half-grin creasing his face as he saw her expression.

 

“Yours was faster to get to.”

 

Unsure how to reply, Rae continued turning pages until she found an empty spot. She slid the disc behind the protective plastic film and zipped the wallet shut, putting it back where she’d found it.

 

Oasis filled what would have otherwise been silence as they crept along the A47, both of them concentrating on the long line of cars snaking in front of them. Once again, Café Lad seemed content to simply listen, which was fine by Rae.

 

As they maneuvered onto the A1, traffic let up and began to move smoothly. Within twenty minutes, Rae was directing Café Lad to the car park outside of her flat block. As she collected her CD, she gave him a sheepish smile. “Sorry it took so long to get here,” she started, only to have her apology waved off.

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Café Lad replied, his smile warm. “Couldn’t leave ya standin’ in the cold like that. Anybody would’ve done the same.”

 

“No, they wouldn’t have. I really appreciate it, Café Lad.”

 

A bark of laughter alerted Rae to her slip-up. She felt her face flush as he looked at her, highly amused. “Café Lad?”

 

“Er, yeah. It’s what I’ve been callin’ ya in my head.”  _Just let me die now. Aren’t people supposed to grow out of this twattish stage at some point?_

 

“Name’s Finn, but Café Lad is fine too.” He was laughing at her, but not unkindly. “Anyroad, I were happy to do it…” He trailed off, waiting for her to supply her name.

 

“Rae.”

 

“Rae,” he echoed, as if to ensure he wouldn’t forget it.

 

They both paused, looking at each other until Rae dropped her gaze and reached for the door handle. “Right, well, better get upstairs and feed the dog,” she blurted as Finn cleared his throat and put his hands back on the steering wheel.  “Thanks again, Café… Finn. Say hi to Archie for me.”

 

“Sure. Laters, Rae.”

 

“Bye, Finn.” Rae shut the car door and watched as Finn pulled away, wondering what all that had been about.

 

\--

 

“Rae!”

 

Archie’s voice cut across the hubbub of the City Market food court. Rae grinned – a dose of Archie was exactly what she needed to alleviate her Thursday ‘it’s not quite the week-end yet’ blues. She turned to greet him with a hug, wavering as she saw that their lunch party had increased by one. She recovered quickly and embraced Archie, then turned to the other with a small smile.

 

“Café Lad.”

 

Finn awarded her a lopsided grin in response to the name. “Hey. Hope you don’t mind me taggin’ along with Archer.”

 

“’Course not,” Rae assured before shifting her attention back to Archie. She looped her arm through his as they surveyed their dining options. “So, I was thinkin’ we could do Chinese today.”

 

Archie scanned the storefronts as if it was their first time lunching here, when they’d actually been coming here every Thursday for close to two years. “Well, we had burgers last week, and I’m not much in the mood for pizza. We both know that chip shop’s nothing compared to Golden Plaice back home, so Chinese it is. Sound good, mate?” he asked Finn, who gave a half-shrug.

 

“’S fine.”

 

The trio ordered their food and chose a table, Archie and Rae sitting on one side and Finn taking the spot across from his mate. They had just begun to tuck in when Rae nudged Archie with her shoulder.

 

“So, how’s things with B—“ she began, her lips closing on the B before she could stop herself. She glanced at Finn with trepidation, wondering if she’d almost done something stupid.

 

“Brian?” Archie supplied, grinning at her. Rae sighed in relief – she’d outed Archie once in college out of frustration and hurt, and it had nearly cost her his friendship. She had no desire to repeat that mistake. “He’s good. We’re good. Deliriously happy, even.”

 

Finn snorted. “Delirious is right, mate. ‘Ave you seen ‘em together, Rae?”

 

Rae laughed. “I have. Almost makes me sick, how they carry on. So sweet -- sometimes I wonder how I don’t walk away with cavities in all me teeth!” She beamed at Archie, glad that he’d not only found a true partner in Brian, but that he no longer felt the need to hide who he was. As recently as couple of years ago, he wouldn’t have been so open to the idea of talking about Brian in public.

 

“Come off it, we’re not that bad,” Archie muttered, almost succeeding in sounding petulant. “I’d never have agreed to let you have lunch with us if I knew you’d team up against me!” he added, shooting Finn a mock glare before taking a bite of his Szechuan chicken.

 

 _So Finn asked to come to lunch?_ Rae considered this tidbit of information as she took a sip of her tea.  _Maybe he just wanted to get out of the office. Or he left his lunch at home._

 

 _Or maybe he found out that you’re who Archie keeps going to lunch with and asked to tag along because he wanted to see you again_ , a tiny, hesitant voice whispered in the back of her mind. Rae peered at Finn, whose gaze had fixed on his food since Archie’s comment.  _You’re mad_ , the dominant voice answered.  _He’s just hungry_.

 

The rest of lunch passed pleasantly, the majority of the conversation being carried by Archie and Rae, who turned into a chatterbox when around close friends. Finn had proven himself a cheeky bastard as well, and the curious air between her and Finn had relaxed as they banded against Archie, teasing him in good fun. It wasn’t until Rae idly checked her watch that she realized how much time had passed.

 

“Oh shit!” she gasped, slapping her napkin on her tray and grabbing for her coat and bag.

 

“What?” Archie looked up at Rae, his glasses magnifying his eyes and making him look more confused than he was.

 

“I don’t know about you, but I only get a half an hour for lunch,” Rae replied as she stood, shoving her arms into her coat sleeves.

 

“Yeah, and?”

 

“We’ve been here for nearly an hour.”

 

The lads exchanged surprised glances before they sprang into action, gathering trays and cups. After Archie dropped his and Rae’s trays off, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “This was fun. See you next week.” She saw Finn raise his eyebrows as if to ask, ‘me, too?’ She laughed and swatted at his arm, privately marveling over how at ease she felt after this lunch. “Yes, you too, Café Lad.”

 

Archie looked from one friend to the other. “Alright, you are going to have to explain that later.”

 

“Sure thing, Archer. Next week!” With that, Rae took off for the escalator, practically jogging in her rush to get back to the office. She resisted the temptation to look back, despite the fact that she thought she could feel Finn watching her.  _Next week._


	2. Chapter 2

Rae stared at the cars crawling down her residential Peterborough road, the tears in her eyes giving each headlight and taillight a brilliant, blinding halo. She’d been parked in front of her flat block for twenty minutes, acutely aware of the lorry parked across the street and what would happen once she left her car. The vehicle itself was fairly nondescript, painted off-white except for a large M that was emblazoned on the side panel, its calm, peaceful shade of blue implying that this was a company that provided a calm, peaceful service.

 

Even through the evening’s gloom, Rae could see the silhouettes of two figures in the seats, one considerably larger than the other. She knew the bigger shape was that of Dr. Khan, which meant that the slighter form belonged to Khan’s assistant, Danny. She’d only met them once before, but Mnemosyne was an exceedingly small company. As far as Rae knew, the only other employees besides the two in the van were the secretary whose name she’d never caught and Mnemosyne’s founder, Dr. Gill.

 

As she sat, Rae sense the pair of shadows appraising her and could practically feel their impatience over the delay. With an aching throat, Rae dried her tears and gulped air, trying to bring herself under control. _I wanted this. I asked them to be here. **I want this**._  She glanced at herself in the rearview mirror, all swollen eyes and red nose.  _God, you’re a right mess, Rae._ She gave her wet cheeks one last swipe with the cuff of her sleeve, then buttoned her coat to the neck – the early January winds were bitter. She got out of her car and locked up, then turned away from the lorry, pointedly not looking at the vehicle as she made her way inside.

 

\----------

 

_\- last December -_

 

“I don’t know what’s going on with him, Archie,” Rae sighed, at a loss. She flopped down onto the couch next to Brian, who gave her a comforting pat on the knee. She hated involving other people in her relationship woes, but she’d run to Archie’s and Brian’s house as a last measure, desperate to get some insight to Finn’s recent cold demeanor.  The war-era house was tiny but comforting, filled with warm colors, plush furniture, and the flowery scent of the couples’ preferred tea, chamomile. She tucked her stocking feet under her and laid her head on the overstuffed couch arm, closing her eyes in weary defeat – the emotional ride she’d been on over the past couple weeks had worn her out, body and soul, and all she wanted to do was sleep. “I can’t even get him to return my calls.”

 

Archie walked in from the kitchen, a steaming mug of tea in his hands. “Here you go, Rae,” he offered as he handed the cup to his friend. Rae could tell he was uncomfortable being stuck in the middle of his two best mates, yet she could also see that he was determined to be there to support her. A warm rush of gratitude filled her heart as she took the mug, wrapping her hands around it as Archie took a seat in the chair across from her.

 

“Ah, you know how Finn can be a grumpy sod sometimes. He can be downright sulky if given a chance. Did you two fight recently?”

 

 _When_ haven’t  _we been fighting lately?_ “Er, yeah, but I didn’t think it was that big a deal. It’s always something small, I can’t even remember the last time we had a row about anything important.”

 

Archie nodded slowly, taking a sip of his own tea and grimacing at the tepidity – evidently he’d been in the middle of his cuppa when Rae had rung their doorbell. He set the mug aside, turning the handle away from him as she watched him considered his words. “It might not have seemed like anything important at the time, but sometimes small things add up to something much larger.”

 

Rae thought Archie’s gaze held something else as he spoke, but she couldn’t determine what it was. Certainly there was sympathy for her plight, but what else? Pity, perhaps, or even... guilt? Bewildered, she turned her cup in her hands, needing to feel the warmth emanating through the ceramic. “S’pose,” she replied, unconsciously echoing the non-committal word she’d so often heard from Finn’s lips. Her downcast eyes didn’t catch the dark glance shared between Brian and Archie, nor the infinitesimal head shake Brian gave his partner. “I just wish he’d talk to me for once.”

 

“Rae, you know as well as we do that talking things out isn’t Finn’s strong point,” Brian responded, his tone gentle.

 

“I know, but he’s never avoided me like this before.” Rae’s voice became strained as she felt her throat tighten for the umpteenth time that week. It seemed as if she was always on the verge of tears lately and that all it would take is one word or look from somebody to send her over the edge. If Archie and Brian kept being so bloody wonderful, she’d be a blubbering mess in a heartbeat. “Usually it’d be a day or two at the most, and he’d at least acknowledge me, even if he weren’t keen on speaking to me at the moment.” Her fingers tightened around her mug, the frustration with Finn combining with her exasperation over the situation and causing all her emotions to come to a head. Her eyes began to well as she met Archie’s gaze – apparently she didn’t need any help bringing the tears on.  

 

She took a shuddering breath. “Did I tell you I saw him the other day in Tesco? I was pickin’ out some apples and he knocked into me with his basket. He apologized, but the way he said it was like he was talkin’ to a stranger. I was too surprised to even go after him.”

 

“Well, what if he--“ Brian began, only to be cut off by Archie.

 

“Hey, how about some biscuits, Bri?” he asked, his tone jarringly light after the silky sympathetic tones he’d been speaking in since Rae had arrived. Brian and Rae stared at him, both perplexed by his sudden change in demeanor.

 

Brian stood, his brow furrowed as he regarded his partner with what Rae swore was suspicion. “Biscuits. Yeah, sure. I’ll be right back.” His gaze shifted to meet hers. “You like the chocolate ones, right, Rae?” At her nod, Brian maneuvered his way around the coffee table, dropping his hand on Archie’s shoulder as he passed. Archie reached up and squeezed it, almost as if he was reassuring Brian of something. Whatever it was, Brian seemed mollified and continued on to the kitchen, where they could hear him taking biscuit tins out of the cupboard.

 

Once he was sure Brian was busied in the kitchen, Archie leaned over and opened the drawer of the writing desk to his left. He rummaged around for a moment before withdrawing a small off-white envelope and handing it to Rae. Frowning, Rae set her mug on the coffee table before taking the envelope, her fingers noting the smoothness of the high-quality paper stock. She inspected the blue M in the upper left corner – it looked like a business logo, albeit one that she didn’t recognize.  Shooting Archie a confused glance, Rae turned the envelope over and lifted the flap. There was a piece of thick card stock inside, which she withdrew with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation. Archie didn’t want Brian to know she was seeing this, but why?

 

Rae felt the blood leave her face after she read the short missive embossed on the card.   _There’s no way this is real. This is impossible_ , her mind rebelled as she took in the import of the words. The fancy script font didn’t lessen the bluntness of the message, and she forced herself to look at the little card a second time to make sure she’d read it correctly.

 

 

Finn Nelson has had Rachel Earl erased from his memory. 

Please never mention their relationship to him again.  Thank you.

 

Mnemosyne Ltd.

London

 

“You weren’t supposed to see that.” Brian stood in the archway connecting the dining area to the living room, a tray of artfully arranged biscuits in his hands. He wore a thunderous expression, darker than any Rae had seen from him before. He carefully set the tray on the coffee table, then leaned over and took the card and envelope from Rae’s trembling fingers.

 

“I couldn’t just sit there while she—“ Archie began, his tone defensive.

 

“I don’t care what you could or couldn’t do, Archie. She wasn’t supposed to know.”

 

“So it’s better to let her go chasing someone she loves and who she thinks loves her back while he doesn’t even know who she is anymore? How is that not completely mental? She’s going to end up heartbroken and he’s going to think he has some stalker. How is that healthy?”

 

As the two men argued, Rae sat, trying to process everything she was hearing.  _There’s no way this can be real. Nobody knows how to erase memories. It would have been all over the news if they had._ Her hands balled into fists around the fabric of her shirt hem as her mind raced. _So it can’t be real. It can’t._

 

“It can’t!” she shouted, springing up from the couch. She grabbed the envelope back from Brian and waved it in the shocked faces of her friends, both of whom had been startled by her outburst. “This is some sick joke you’re playing, some…  _prank_  you cooked up with Finn, and I’ll not be a part of it anymore.” She felt her body shaking with anger, shocked that her best friends in the world would contrive to put her through this heartache for God knows what reason. “I. Will. Not.” She turned and strode to the foyer, shoving her feet into her boots and throwing her coat on. Archie and Brian watched her, dumbstruck.

 

She was out the door and stomping towards her car when Archie’s voice sounded behind her.

 

“Rae, wait!”

 

“No, Archie! Unless it’s an admission and an apology, I don’t want to hear it.” She threw open her car door and dropped into the seat, slamming the door shut.

 

“I promise you it’s real, Rae,” Archie said, his voice muffled by the glass of the window. “I swear!”

 

Rae looked out at Archie, the latter standing shoeless in the snow, his arms wrapped around himself against the winter cold – in his haste, he had chased her down without grabbing a coat. His glasses were fogged over by his breath, but she could see the earnestness in his eyes. Relenting, she rolled down the window.

 

“Okay, but I’m going to the address on this envelope. If this place isn’t real -- if it’s not  _there_? We’re done.” With that, Rae turned the key in the ignition and drove off, Archie’s figure growing ever smaller in the mirror.

 

\----------

 

_\- three weeks later ( present day) -_

 

Rae peered up at the small office building, the brick face nondescript and unimposing. The only decorations were two small flower urns on either side of the entrance, filled with the brown remains of the previous summer’s occupants. She tightened her grip on the two full bin bags by her sides, then took a deep breath and went inside. She took the lift to the fourth floor, where two offices faced each other. Opening the unmarked door to her left, Rae wondered if the barrister across the hall had any idea what happened behind this door, and if he did, what he thought about it.

 

A tiny waiting room greeted her as she entered, the area populated with four chairs, only one of which was occupied. Rae gave the miserable-looking 40-something man a nod before stepping up to the reception desk, where a young woman with fiery hair was on the phone.

 

“Yes, Mr. Abernathy, we have you scheduled for two o’clock next Thursday. Remember to bring any of your belongings associated with your wife.” She paused, smiling up at Rae as she listened to the voice on the other end of the line. “Yes, that’s right, sir. Even that.” Another pause. “That’s right. Now, do you have any other questions about the procedure? No? Okay, we will see you in the office next Thursday at two o’clock.” The girl hung up the receiver and made a note on a manila folder, presumably Mr. Abernathy’s patient file. Once she was finished, she turned a radiant smile to Rae.

 

“Welcome back, Ms. Earl! Oh my, you have a bit more than I was expecting you to bring,” she added as she saw Rae’s overstuffed bin bags. At Rae’s crestfallen look, she dialed the grin up a notch. “No, that’s a good thing! It’ll make the mapping a piece of cake. We’ll be sure to have everything cleaned out perfectly.” She pulled out a manila folder with Rae’s name scrawled across the top, then picked up the phone receiver. She punched two buttons and waited a moment before announcing, “Dr. Khan, Rachel Earl is here for her mapping session.”

 

“He’ll be with you in just a moment,” she told Rae as she placed the handset back into the cradle. Rae nodded, then took her bags and chose a seat across from the waiting man. She wondered who or what he was having erased, as he only had a small knapsack with him. She looked down at her bags and frowned – was this really a lot of stuff to represent a year-long relationship? It seemed like half her things reminded her of Finn, even things she’d owned since her college days. Everything having to do with Oasis was in there, as well as anything plaid, anything Blur, anything Smiths, the sheet set they’d gotten because he’d been allergic to the one she’d had, the stuffed panda he’d won for her at the fun fair last summer, the snow globe they’d picked up during their weekend in London… the list went on and on. For one intense year, they had lived for each other, and she saw his face in everything. It was a wonder she had anything left in her flat.

 

Just as she was contemplating picking up something to read to try and calm her nerves, a tall dark-haired man appeared from the hallway and called her name. He gave her a tight, overly professional smile as she approached.

 

“Hello, I’m Dr. Khan. I’ll be performing your mapping procedure this afternoon. Follow me, please.”

 

Rae was led to a dimly lit room, in the middle of which sat a curious contraption. It looked like a dental exam chair with a sort of thick mechanical halo attached to the head rest. Dr. Khan swung the front of the halo open and gestured for Rae to take a seat, which she did with some trepidation. She watched as Khan opened the first of Rae’s bags and began examining the contents, pulling each item out one by one and setting them on the side table that ran the length of the room. Rae noticed he was separating some items from others, more common things like CDs and clothes going on one side, while more unusual items like the panda and the snow globe on the other.

 

He was almost to the bottom of the second bag when he made a sound of pleased approval. At Rae’s questioning look, he held up pages she’d torn out of her diary, each one referencing Finn in one way or another. “Journal entries are ideal mapping material,” he explained, rifling through the leaves. “Not only are there memories attached to the events covered in your journal, but there are also those created by recounting the day in writing. The latter serve as a sort of reinforcement of the former, making it a strong memory, which is exactly what we need.”

 

At Rae’s half-hearted “ah,” Dr. Khan returned to the bag of Rae’s memories, sorting the last few items and stashing the empty bags under the table. He rolled a cart over to Rae’s left and raised the screen of the laptop that was upon it, clicking the mouse a few times before closing the halo apparatus around Rae’s head.

 

“I want you to react to these objects as I show them to you. Think about how the object is associated with Mr. Nelson in as much detail as possible. If you got the item together, I want you to remember how, when, why, where… everything you can recall. Anything you can remember will be helpful in creating a complete map.” He tapped a few buttons on the keyboard. “Are you ready to begin?”

 

Rae swallowed hard, fighting the lump that had risen in her throat. _Damn you for forcing this on me, Finn Nelson. I’ll never forgive you, even though I won’t even know who you are after tonight._  She nodded once, clenching her teeth against the sob that wanted to escape.

 

Her eyes fixed on the first object presented by Dr. Khan. It was nothing more but a crap coffee mug, thin and cheaply made. She took in the dark green screenprinted logo on the side and sighed. “That’s from the café we first met in,” she began, but was interrupted by Dr. Khan clearing his throat.

 

“The mapping works better if you do not respond verbally. Just think about why the mug is a reminder of Mr. Nelson.”

 

Rae refocused on the mug, the desire to cradle it in her hands warring with the urge to smash it on the floor. She took a deep breath and let it out to a count of ten, forcing herself to concentrate on the memory of the mug.

 

 _We were in Leeds, both playing hooky like we’d been the day we met. Finn, being the romantic sop that he is, suggested we go to the café where we’d first seen each other. We got our drinks in takeaway cups so we could go to the park and enjoy the late June evening. Before we left, he doubled back and grabbed two mugs off a shelf without a word, but I knew why. He always liked to have physical reminders of important things in his life, and I was still important to him back then. He carried the little paper bag with the mugs so carefully, even though the cups were only cheap mass-produced things. I remember exactly where he put mine when we got back to my flat. He set it right on the front of the shelf of my hutch and stuck a troll doll inside. The little beady eyes were just visible over the rim._ Rae felt a tear roll down her cheek and brushed it away – now was not the time. She had work to do.

The next item Khan showed her was a journal. The cover was overlaid with silky royal blue fabric stitched with onyx thread and hematite beads, and the edges of the pages had been coated with silver leaf. She had thought it too beautiful to be marred by ink and messy thoughts, so she had tucked it away in her bedside table until she felt her words could be as pretty as the book. That time never came – even today, each page was as pristine as it had been on the day Finn had given it to her.

 

The pair continued to chart Rae’s brain, a process that took nearly two and a half hours by the time they had made it through the more promising of Rae’s belongings. After he set down the leather cuff Rae had intended to give Finn for his birthday, Khan tapped a few keys on the laptop and peered at the screen for a minute before meeting Rae’s glassy gaze, her eyes reflecting her emotional exhaustion.

 

“This looks very promising. I believe this will be one of the easiest memory extractions to date.” Dr. Khan picked up a pad of paper and scribbled something, then tore the sheet off and handed it to Rae. “This is a prescription for a heavy sedative for tonight. It is a quick-acting drug, so wait until 7:30 or so before taking it. My assistant Danny and I will be at your residence at 8:00. We will need you to arrange entry into the building for us if there is a security door. Other than those two things, you can go about your evening as usual. Do you have any questions for me before you go?”

 

Rae glanced at the pile of her belongings. “You keep all that, then?”

 

“Well, we donate the items that are in good condition to local charities. The rest gets incinerated, I’m afraid.”

 

Rae sighed – of course it would all have to be gotten rid of. Once her memory was cleared of Finn, she couldn't have anything around that she had purchased with him – there’d be no explanation for its presence, which would make her feel like she was going madder than usual.

 

She reached out and touched the cuff that was supposed to have been Finn’s, ghosting her fingertips along the edge of the leather with a pang of regret before standing and gathering her coat. “Thank you, Dr. Khan.”

 

Khan nodded once, gravely. “You’re welcome. Danny and I will take good care of you tonight, and we’ll be gone before you wake.”

 

Rae slipped into her coat and buttoned it, suppressing her desire to call the procedure off and take all her lovely, Finn-y things home where they belonged. Instead, she turned to Khan. “About tonight… I have a spare key for the front door, and I can leave the door to my flat unlocked. Will that work for getting you in tonight?”

 

“That will be fine. Just leave your key ring out so we can slide it back on after we’re done with it.” Khan stood and gestured for Rae to precede him out of the room. A short, beaky young man ducked in before Rae reached the door and began bagging her items with a marked lack of care. She watched for a moment before stepping into the hallway.  _Why should I care if that boy cracks a CD case or breaks that snow globe? Those things aren't mine anymore. They are no longer a part of my life._

_Damn you, Finn Nelson._

\----------

 

Rae could still feel the eyes of Dr. Khan and Danny boring holes into her back as she unlocked the security door leading into the foyer of her flat. She fumbled with her keys until she located the one for her postbox. She was leafing through her post when a kindly voice greeted her.

 

“Well, hello there, Rae.”

 

Rae glanced up at the figure of the older woman in front of her and tried to force a smile. Considering how hard she’d been crying not two minutes ago, Rae could only imagine how unconvincing it was. “Hello. Mrs. Dewhurst. How’re you?” she asked halfheartedly, edging around her elderly neighbor and heading for the stairwell.

 

“You know me, love -- I don’t have much to complain about,” Mrs. Dewhurst answered, letting a breath pass before pouncing on the topic that truly interested her. “How are things with Finn, dear? I haven’t seen him here in quite a while.”

 

“Oh, good. Things are good. He’s just, um, been busy at the station and all,” Rae breathed, striving to keep her voice light. Mrs. Dewhurst was the block’s busybody, and the last thing Rae wanted was to give her a scene to gossip about with her friends.

 

“Well, tell him hello for me. Let him know I’ll make stroopwaffles for him the next time he comes to visit you. I know how much you both like those,” Mrs. Dewhurst offered as she opened her post box, only to shut it with a huff of disappointment when she saw it was empty.

 

Rae nodded and set her foot on the bottom-most stair, desperate to be away from the older woman. It was almost 7:30, and she needed to take her sedative. “I will. Goodnight, Mrs. Dewhurst.” Before her neighbor had a chance to reply, Rae was climbing the stairs, her long legs taking two at a time in her haste to be away.

 

She was heaving for breath by the time she reached her third floor flat, unused to taking the stairs at such speed. She grappled with the doorknob, wiggling the key just so to open the tricky lock. She closed the door behind her and had nearly locked it before she remembered that she had to leave it unsecured for the extraction team. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against the door, the painted surface cool against her skin as she once again contemplated the possibility of calling the whole thing off. All she would have to do is flip the lock, and she’d still remember Finn in the morning.

 

Sighing deeply, Rae pushed off of the door and walked to her kitchen, where she poured herself a tall glass of water. She fished the pills she’d picked up on her way home from dinner out of her coat pocket and set the bottle on the counter. She stared at the small plastic vial before muttering “fuck it” and twisting the cap off. She took the three pills per Khan’s instructions and chased them down with large gulps of water, wishing it were scotch. She had a bottle in the cupboard, but she knew alcohol on top of the sedative would be a bad idea.

 

After dumping the rest of her water in the sink, Rae went to her bedroom and began disrobing. Khan had said the pills would be fast-acting, and she wanted to be in her pyjamas and in bed before they kicked in. She selected her favorite flannel sleep set, long pants with a loose-fitting pullover top in a gray and sky blue plaid, and pulled it on. Once dressed for bed, she gazed at herself in the mirror over her vanity, wondering how she would feel in the morning. She’d only spent a year with Finn in her life, but it was hard to remember how she felt before him. She’d had no heartache but loneliness and no joy except for the occasional day with her friends… she’d been clinically depressed, sure, but that was being controlled with medication and weekly therapy sessions with Dr. Stanton. Except where Finn was concerned, her life had been fairly even-keeled since she’d graduated college. Boring, but even.

 

Rae blinked owlishly at her reflection, feeling groggy from the sedative. Her mind was beginning to fog over – why was she sad again? She couldn’t remember, but it didn’t matter because her bed looked so inviting. She knew everything would be better if she could just lie down.  Climbing into her bed, Rae dropped into a fathomless sleep as the door to her flat creaked open.

 

\----------

 

“Careful with that.” Dr. Khan’s face was hidden behind a stack of equipment, but Danny knew the exact expression that was on it. He’d been working for Mnemosyne for two years now, and Khan was nothing if not predictable.

 

Danny maneuvered the empty yet still unwieldy cart into the bedroom and rolled it to a stop near the woman’s head. He stood aside as Khan entered the room, setting the various instruments of their trade onto the cart. Once Khan’s arms were empty, Danny unshouldered the satchel that carried the laptop and removed the computer, placing it atop of the other boxy components on the cart. He knelt behind the cart and began hooking up the various wires and plugs while Khan looked on, booting up the computer and consulting his notes in preparation for the night’s work.

 

Once the helmet was hooked up properly, Dr. Khan settled it on the patient’s head and flipped the power switch on the side, his eyes flicking back and forth from her face to the laptop screen.

 

“Looks like she’s under properly. Are we almost ready?”

 

Danny nodded. “Yeah, nearly. Just have this last bit… there we go. She’s all set.”

 

Khan typed commands into his programs, setting the parameters of the memory wipe and loading Rae’s brain map. He double- and triple-checked his settings, then sat back in the chair Danny had fetched for him. He moused over to the Execute button and clicked.

 

“Ms. Rachel Earl, it is time to say farewell to Mr. Finn Nelson.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not very happy with this chapter, but I've been sitting on it forever and it hasn't gotten any better, so I guess it is what it is. 
> 
> Also, trying to write the memory flow to make it akin to how it worked in Eternal Sunshine is really weird – those things are communicated so much better in a visual medium. Anyway, this is a heads-up that there will be parts where you may wonder if you accidentally skipped something important. Chances are that you didn’t miss anything and yes, the setting is different than it was a sentence ago. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

The process of memory wiping was eternally fascinating to Danny. The science behind it was unparalleled, and as far as he knew, there were no other firms in the world that offered the kind of service that Mnemosyne did. Sure, there were hypnotism-based practices that claimed they could irrevocably block memories, but nobody else went in and actually _removed_ them. He didn’t think it was a stretch to call the whole thing awe-inspiring.

 

The groundbreaking nature of his work was a source of pride for Danny, who had always been a bit of an awkward underachiever until Dr. Khan had taken an interest in him. He’d been moved from clerical work to a position that required intimate knowledge of Mnemosyne’s equipment and procedures, a position that was integral to the success of every patient’s memory wipe. He just wished he was allowed to talk about it outside of the office – he knew his parents were dying to know what he did for a living.

 

Dr. Khan’s voice broke into Danny’s reverie. “We’re at the ten-minute mark. Let’s do a map check, make sure everything’s moving smoothly.”

 

Danny checked the printout in front of him and squinted at the computer screen. “Looks like she’s in the, uh, concert memory. Yeah, definitely the concert.”

 

Khan checked his watch against his copy of the printout and gave a satisfied nod. “She’s right on schedule.” He set the report down on the table next to where he sat. He glanced up at Danny with a hopeful glint. “Did you bring anything?”

 

Danny tapped his foot against the small ice chest he’d lugged up while Khan had been calibrating the patient’s helmet. Khan echoed Danny’s grin and slapped his hands against his thighs. “Well, let’s have one, then.”

 

As the two men cracked open a pair of the lagers Danny had brought (as per usual – Khan never seemed to remember until it was too late), Rae slept.

\----------

“Well, you weren’t exactly telling them ‘no’, were ya?”

 

Rae’s voice was dangerously close to breaking, but she didn’t want to dissolve in front of Finn, not tonight. She squared her jaw and stared out through the windscreen, watching the August rain sluicing away from the wipers. The drops untouched by the wide arcs of the wipers were limned red, catching the light from other vehicles’ taillights as they traveled through the night, going back to Peterborough after what ought to have been one of their best evenings yet.

 

“What’re you on about, Rae? That’s exactly what I were doin’ when you hauled me off!” Finn’s grip visibly tightened around the steering wheel – Rae could see how white his knuckles were when she glanced over. He looked like a ball of tension with his arms straight out and shoulders rigid, the muscle in the side of his jaw jumping. Was he angry at himself, or was he angry at her for finding him out? She couldn’t tell.

 

Rae scoffed, rolling her eyes before turning her face to the passenger-side window. “Didn’t look like it to me.”

 

In fact, it had seemed like Finn had almost been _enjoying_ the advances of the two uni girls as they danced to the music that had flooded the Electric Ballroom. Rae had excused herself to the loo as Shirley Manson crooned her way through ‘Milk’ -- she’d hated having to go during one of her favorite songs, but the snakebites from their dinner had gone right through her and she couldn’t hold off any longer.

 

The loo had been surprisingly uncrowded, and after a quick go and an even quicker glance in the mirror, Rae was threading her way back to Finn. She had nearly reached him when the sultry tones of ‘#1 Crush’ began, which had caused a wicked grin to cross her face – this was one of their snog session tunes, and she was buzzed enough to figure there was no reason to change that just because they were in public.

 

The grin had fallen as Finn had come into view, accompanied by two younger girls. He’d been leaning over and speaking into the brunette’s ear, straightening up with that cocky half-smile he favored. The brunette had continued to move sinuously to the music, her gaze hooded as she danced next to Finn, ignoring her blonde friend who was looking on jealously. A strange brew of ire and dismay had filled her – she’d always thought Finn was crazy for being with her and had consequently been expecting him to cut her loose at any time, but she had never thought that Finn would openly flirt with other girls when out on a date with her. Rae had stalked over and grabbed Finn’s sleeve, towing him away from the uni girls. Finn had expressed surprise and confusion over her actions, but Rae thought he had sounded insincere. She’d asked to go home, and after another befuddled glance, Finn had acquiesced.

 

“S’pose I ought to have shoved ‘em away? Knocked ‘em out flat? Would that’ve been enough, or –“ Finn cut himself off, clamping his mouth shut and shaking his head. He flexed his fingers upward as he kept his palms on the wheel, stretching the digits fully before curling them back into their white-knuckled grip.

 

“Or what?”

 

Finn stared at the road ahead.

 

“Or what, Finn?” Rae repeated, her voice resonating in the car’s cab. She saw him flinch at the unexpected loudness and was momentarily taken aback. Finn was far from perfect and they’d had their share of rows over the seven months they’d been together. They’d certainly had enough for Rae to know that when he was guilty of whatever she was accusing him of, Finn had a tendency to get just as heated and defensive as she did. Yet here he was, clamming up like he did when he was waiting for her to calm down enough to see he was innocent. Had she been projecting her insecurities back at the club, seeing things that weren’t really there like some sort of emotional hallucination? She had been so sure of his intent towards those girls when she was in the moment, but maybe she’d been mistaken.

 

Ashamed, Rae was on the brink of relenting when a vision of the smile he’d given the brunette popped into her mind. That ‘I’m God’s gift to the entire female population and I fucking well know it’ smile, the one she’d pined after and dreamt about and sent a thrill through her when it was turned her way. There was no way that little grin hadn’t meant anything, no way at all. Just the thought of it rekindled her anger and jealousy, and Rae stared at Finn, waiting for him to apologize or shout or anything besides sit there staring at the road. She was disappointed once again as his silence stretched out for miles, thick and strained.

 

Rae had turned back to her window, having given up on getting anything out of him when he finally spoke.

 

“You don’t trust me.” His voice was so small and flat that Rae had to turn her head to catch it.

 

 _Did I hear that right?_   “You what?”

 

“I’ve never given ya any reason not to, but you don’t trust me, Rae.” She watched his eyes flick to his mirrors, then fix steadily ahead once more, dark under his furrowed brow. “Never looked at another girl like that since I met ya, Rae, and you think I’d…?” Red light illuminated the planes of his face, catching and twinkling in the thin line of moisture building up on his lower eyelid. His jaw clenched as he swallowed, pressing his lips together as if warding himself against any further words.

 

Rae opened her mouth to argue but was forestalled by a warm piece of cinnamon roll. The sweetness of the icing flooded her tastebuds as Finn chuckled, retracting his hand and licking a bit of icing off of the finger he’d used to poke the pastry into her mouth.

 

“Mmm. Not bad for your first tea here,” he said, gesturing to the boxes that were haphazardly piled around the combination living and dining room that was now Rae’s.

 

“Pretty sure rolls from a tube don’t count as homemade or as a real tea,” Rae replied, her voice muffled by the cinnamon bun. They’d spent the day hauling furniture and boxes over from her old flat, and had brought the last boxes up an hour ago. After a hard day of physical labor, they’d both been too worn out to make a proper tea, so Rae had popped in a sheet of rolls and deemed it good enough.

 

Rae looked around at the smallish flat as she chewed, the off-white walls glowing in the mid-afternoon May sunlight that was streaming in through her kitchen window. It wasn’t much, but she could envision making a cozy home for herself here. “Still can’t believe I finally live in Peterborough. I thought I’d never get out of Stamford,” she added after swallowing. “I’m surprised Mum didn’t find a way to, I dunno, lock me in or something,” she finished lamely, distracted by the boxes surrounding her. _There’s so much to be done._

 

“You really think she would’ve?” Finn’s tone was amused – his father hadn’t been overbearing when he was a child, and Rae was beginning to think he’d never really understand the tribulations of having a parent like Linda. She suspected he sometimes thought she overreacted to things when it came to her mother, and maybe he was right on occasion, but this was not one of those times.

 

“She would have put in one of those fingerprint scanners programmed only for her and Karim if she could have.” Rae slid off of the tall stool she was perched on and wrapped her arms around Finn from behind, resting her chin on his shoulder as he ate the rest of his cinnamon roll. “Thank you for helping me get out of there,” she whispered before placing a kiss in the crook of his neck. She let go as he twisted around on his stool to face her.

 

Finn captured one of her hands with his and gave her one of the fathomless looks that made her knees weak. He wasn’t much of a talker, but it didn’t matter -- his eyes told her everything. Right now they were warm, filled with pride and what looked like a touch of awe, though Rae couldn’t see any reason he’d ever be in awe of her. “No, I carried some boxes. You got yourself out of there.” He squeezed her hand and pulled her in for a cinnamon-sweetened kiss, his other hand coming up to cradle the back of her neck. Rae closed her eyes and lost herself in the sensation of his lips against hers, as intoxicating now as it had been the first time.

 

Once they came up for air, Finn rested his forehead against hers and gave her a lazy, besotted smile. “Thought we could go to Top Volume to celebrate. My treat. Fancy it?”

 

The words had barely left his mouth before Rae straightened up with a grin. “Like you even have to ask. Just give me a minute, yeah?” She ducked into her bedroom and grabbed a fresh tee, briefly pondering a shower – she did feel kind of gross after the morning’s exertions, but the lure of the record shop was too strong. She stripped off the ratty tye-dyed shirt she’s worn for moving and sniffed at it, making sure she wasn’t too smelly before putting on the clean top. She ran a brush through her hair and declared herself ready, grabbing her knapsack and joining Finn in the kitchen, where he was stuffing one last roll in his mouth. “Ready?”

 

At Finn’s nod, the pair of them left, delayed momentarily by Rae forgetting which key locked her flat’s door. Finn had the scooter’s engine idling by the time Rae got outside. He handed her helmet over as she swung a leg over the seat, settling into one of her favorite spots in the world. Finn revved the throttle and pushed off, headed for the Top Volume downtown.  Rae watched her new neighborhood flash by, a sense of freedom blossoming in her chest as she smiled. It wasn’t as exciting as her old dream of Leeds, but it was bigger and better than Stamford. She took in the houses and apartment blocks as they rode, residential buildings giving way to businesses as they neared the city center.

 

A lightheaded feeling overcame her suddenly, causing Rae to close her eyes. When she opened them again, her vision was strange, like the edges of her sight were blurring. Sun-drenched greens and blues bled into each other, combining with tarmac black and office-building gray, all mixing to create an indescribable shade of a nondescript hue. Disconcerted, she squeezed her eyes shut and tightened her arms around Finn, resting her helmeted forehead between his shoulder blades. She took a series of deep breaths and did the old ten-count trick Dr. Stanton had taught her years ago as a calming ritual, then straightened back up.

 

 _Ugh, I really don’t want this in my life today._ The scooter’s tyres sped smoothly over the road, eating up the kilometers between Peterborough and Stamford with an ease that Rae envied – nothing about this trip felt easy. She stared at the gray and brown landscape as they approached the Stamford city limits, the sight of buildings as familiar to her as her childhood home eliciting a sense of apprehension. A shiver that was not entirely caused by the cold September air coursed through her -- she’d been dreading this visit all day.

 

As Finn guided the scooter through streets he now knew as well as she did, a large brickwork building hove into view. Rae contemplated asking Finn to turn around and take her back home, but the words died on her lips as she realized he wouldn’t – sometimes she thought he believed in this torturous ritual more than anybody else, save for her mother.

 

Finn pulled to a stop near the steps leading up to the double doors and held out a hand to Rae, helping her off the back of the bike. She moved clumsily – it really was too cold to be on the scooter, and the chill of speeding through the already-brisk autumn air had stiffened up her muscles. Once she was steady on her feet, Finn motioned for her to hand him her helmet. After securing it on the seat behind him, he dug into his pocket, pulled out his tobacco tin, and fished out a cigarette he’d pre-rolled in anticipation for the hour-long wait ahead of him. He was behaving so normally that Rae thought perhaps he hadn’t noticed her hesitancy… until he spoke.

 

“Go on, or you’ll be late and Stanton won’t be happy with ya.”

 

Rae eyed the double doors behind her before turning back to Finn. “I just… I really don’t want to go in there today,” she admitted with a grimace, feeling sheepish. She knew there was no concrete reason to feel apprehensive about her appointment, but madness rarely made sense.

 

“Why not? You’ve done it a million times before,” he shrugged as he stuck the rollie between his lips. He said it casually, his manner bordering on dismissive; Rae felt like the breath had been knocked out of her. She watched as he brought his lighter up to the end of the cigarette, his other hand shielding the small flame from the brisk autumnal wind.

“Yeah, I know I have,” she said on a sigh, frustrated with herself for being a silly cow and with Finn for brushing her concern off.

 

Finn frowned at her, exhaling smoke as he asked, “So what’s the problem?”

 

She goggled at him. All these months together, and he still didn’t understand how her mind functioned. He still couldn’t see how doubt and insecurity could seep through the cracks she’d worked so hard to seal, reshaping the most mundane things into mountainous tasks too big for her to handle. A cold sort of sadness slipped into her heart as she realized that he could never truly be aware of everything she was. _You don’t understand me, Finn. You care about me, maybe even think you love me, but you don’t get me. Not where it really counts._ She crossed her arms over her stomach and shifted her gaze to the scooter’s front tyre, trying to ignore the feeling that her relationship with Finn might have a shelf life after all.

“Sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason, Finn,” Rae replied, her voice thickened by the lump that had risen in her throat. She doubted he had meant to come across as callous or mean, but that’s exactly what he’d done. _Maybe he’s finally gotten fed up with me._ The thought caused a tight feeling in her chest, like her ribs had clamped in on her lungs, restricting their expansion. It was hard to breathe past the ache, and Rae suspected tears were imminent. _I have to get away from him, even if it means going in._

 

“You’re right, I should just…” Unable to finish, she turned to go inside, her eyes hot with unshed tears. Before she could take a step, she felt his hand in the crook of her elbow. She looked down and sighed as he spoke.

 

“Why d’ya do that?”

 

Finn’s tone was curious, but there was something heavier under it, something that made Rae tighten her arm against her bare stomach. Finn was hovering over her, supporting his weight with one arm as he trailed his hand from her elbow up to her shoulder, the lightness of his touch raising gooseflesh on her skin.

 

“Why do I do what?” Rae asked, playing dumb. She was fairly sure she knew what Finn was going to say, and it was going to open a can of worms she’d managed to avoid until now. She turned away from him, dislodging his roaming hand as she yanked her shirt down to cover her belly – she hated how it looked in any position, but she especially despised how it looked when she was laying on her side, how gravity created that weird slope of fat that puddled against the mattress. It was hard to believe she’d allowed him to push her shirt up and uncover her stomach in the first place.

 

“Why d’ya try and hide from me?”

 

 _So much for avoidin’ that._ “Whatever do you mean, you ridiculous thing? I’m right here in plain sight,” Rae replied with a posh accent, trying to make the whole thing into a joke. His silence told her that her ploy didn’t work and she stifled a sigh. _You were supposed to laugh and then kiss me and it would have been so mind-blowingly amazing that you would have forgotten what you’d asked and that would have been the end of it._ She buried her face in the pillow and squinched her eyes shut, willing this whole conversation to go away before it went any further.

 

The mattress dipped as Finn shifted, lifting himself over her body and laying down to face her. Rae opened one eye and peered at him, realizing there was no way she could derail him now. A small frown crossed his brow as he looked down, unable to meet her gaze.

 

“No, that’s not what…” He closed his eyes, searching for the right words. “I mean, why d’you always cover yourself up? Like just then when I were kissin’ your stomach.” The frown shifted from one of slight frustration to one of insecurity. “D’you not like it when I kiss ya?” He lifted his gaze to hers, and the worry Rae saw in his eyes made her want to cry.

 

Rae shifted her head so that she was fully facing Finn, yet she was unable to maintain eye contact with this poor boy that had gotten himself mixed up with a certified nutter. “It’s not that,” she managed, her voice unsteady. She began picking at a tuft of polyfill that was poking out through the seam of her duvet, rolling the white fibers between her fingers as she considered her next words. They’d been together for five months, and a big part of her felt that she owed him an honest answer. On the other hand, they’d had sex several times already and she had managed to not freak out, even though he’d seen more of her body than she’d allowed anyone else prior. Yet this tender caressing thing he’d just been doing seemed… more intense somehow, like he could see more of her in times like this than he did when she was starkers. How could she possibly hope to explain her insecurities after everything they’d already done? It would sound utterly ridiculous.

 

“Then what is it?” His eyebrows were still knit together, a dark cloud on an otherwise sunny June morning.

 

Rae picked the polyfill twist apart, then rolled it back together. She repeated the process twice more before slowly letting out her breath. She didn’t want it to seem like their relationship could come down to this moment, hinging on her word choice, but that was exactly how it felt. Suddenly unable to bear facing him, she rolled onto her back and clasped her hands over her belly, looking at the ceiling. It was finished in the tacky popcorn texture she normally hated, but it provided a diversion. During the few months she had lived there, she had found all kinds of outlines created by the tiny peaks and valleys. She fixed her gaze on the part that looked like a duck’s head if the shadows were just right (which they weren’t, but she could still discern most of it) and, feeling the weight of Finn’s stare, began to speak.

 

“It’s… not you. Or anything you’ve done,” she assured haltingly, in direct contrast to the racing of her heart.

 

“Then what is it?”

 

Rae glanced at him briefly before locating the duck again. “I’m tryin’ to figure out how to say it.” She saw Finn’s nod of encouragement out of the corner of her eye and took a deep breath. “I’ve, uh, got this… problem, I guess. A body image problem. I don’t really like anyone seeing me without clothes on.”

 

Finn’s mouth opened, but she barreled on, not allowing him to state the obvious.

 

“I know you’ve seen it. You’ve seen it a lot, but it was always at night with dim lights and things were… different somehow. Now it’s the middle of the day and the light is bright and I don’t like that you can see me so clearly.”

 

Finn waited a moment, making sure she was finished speaking before he answered. “I like seein’ ya, Rae,” he began, raising his hand as if to touch her stomach. Something about her body language must have dissuaded him, however, and he returned his hand to its previous spot on the duvet between them. “I don’t say it enough, but you’re beautiful.” He reached over and put a hand on her cheek, gently asking her to look at him. She turned her head and met his gaze, which was more troubled than she’d ever seen. “Every bit of ya, Rae.”

 

A tear slipped down Rae’s cheek. Here was this boy, lying next to her in her bed saying words she never thought to hear from any man in her lifetime, let alone someone like Finn. She let out a shaky gust of laughter, then closed her eyes and shook her head as a small smile crossed her lips. “What if I don’t believe ya?” she asked, only half-teasing.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“How could ya not care?” Rae asked, her voice grating even to her own ears. Finn had been distant all day, and his non-committal behavior was getting on her nerves. _If ya really didn’t want to come out with me, you could’ve said so, ya grumpy prick._ ”It’s for your dad, after all.”

 

The city center was bustling with activity. It was the Saturday after Halloween, and Britain’s collective conscious had turned towards Christmas gift shopping. Rae had asked Finn along to help with ideas for presents for his dad, Archie, and Brian. He’d come along, but had been a less-than-enthusiastic participant. She’d chosen Archie’s and Brian’s gifts herself, which was fine, but she had hoped Finn would at least take interest in the gift for his father.

 

Rae held out the small stack of vinyls she had picked out as potential additions for Mr. Nelson’s formidable music collection – the first time Rae had met Gary, she’d spent more time oohing and aahing over his music room than she had with Finn. She was still a bit embarrassed over that fact, but it had created an instant rapport between Gary and herself. This was going to be the first Christmas gift she ever gave him and she wanted it to be a good one, not only because she genuinely liked him, but as a way to thank him for raising the peevish sod currently sulking in front of her.

 

Finn huffed a small, irritated sigh and took the albums, flipping through them without care. “Yeah, looks fine,” he offered, handing them back to Rae and shifting his attention to the rack of magazines that stood near the shop’s cash register. Rae stared at him for a moment before stepping up to pay. As a whole, the day had been worse than the time she had walked in on her mum and Karim. The hardest part about it was that she didn’t even know why Finn was being like this. Neither of them were the best at talking things out, but this was the first time she hadn’t been able to suss out the cause of his sour mood. Maybe if they grabbed some food, she could get him to crack.

 

“I’m starvin’, let’s get lunch,” she suggested as they left the shop, inserting themselves smoothly into the flow of the crowd. Finn remained silent, but followed her to the food court, claiming a seat at a table near the one they’d shared during that first lunch with Archie. Rae set her shopping on the table and looked down at Finn, desperate to know what was going on in his head. “I’m getting’ pizza, what should I get for you?”

 

“Pizza’s fine.”

 

“Sausage?”

 

At his terse nod, Rae went to order. She brought back two slices for both of them, juggling the triangular boxes with two cups of Coke. She set the food down and pushed Finn’s pizza towards him. She watched as he folded the first slice and took a bite, then opened her own box and began to eat.

 

Rae’s attempts to talk over lunch went mainly unheeded, Finn answering her with the same noncommittal shrugs or grunts she’d been getting out of him since they’d arrived at the shops. Once he had finished eating, he slumped down in his chair, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his shearling jacket. He watched a family of five walk by, his brow furrowed with the glower he’d been wearing all day. Rae saw the youngest girl glance at Finn, then hide behind her father. _Okay, Finley, that’s the last straw._

 

She set her Coke down with more force than she intended, thankful for the lid that kept the soda under control. “Oi, Finn, you’ve got a right face on – you’re scaring small children.”

 

Finn shot her an inscrutable look and stood abruptly, threading his way through other shoppers. Rae sighed and took a minute to get her annoyance under check before gathering the bags and going after him. She still had a few gifts to get, but she’d come back later – the best thing would be to get Finn back to his. Whether or not she would be there with him was up to Finn, but she hoped he’d let her in at least a little bit before she went home.

 

It took a minute before she located his blue jacket in the mass of people – he’d stopped outside the electronics store to look at the football game being broadcast on the wall of model tellys. She made her way over and stood next to him, silently watching the game’s progress, waiting for any sort of signal from her boyfriend.

 

It wasn’t until he looked over that she realized the man wasn’t Finn. _He barely even looks like him. What the fuck, Rae?_ Flustered, Rae backed away, bumping into a birdlike woman before turning away from the man she could have sworn was Finn.

“Finn?” At Rae’s call, a few patrons glanced at her, none of whom were Finn. Rae called again, her tone betraying her growing worry – being left behind was an old phobia of hers, and it still liked to rear its head from time to time. _He wouldn’t leave me here, no matter how angry he is. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t._ **_He wouldn’t._**

 

“Finn!”


	4. Chapter 4

“Finn!” 

  
Rae gasped, dazzled by the sparks exploding behind her eyelids. Her body arced under his as her muscles contracted, her breath puffing out in short bursts. She could feel his body tightening as the tension left hers, and before her heartbeat had slowed, he had collapsed beside her, spent. A tender smile lifted the corners of her mouth as he burrowed his face in the crook of her shoulder, breathing heavily. He murmured something unintelligible as she trailed her fingers along the arm he draped across her stomach, her fingertips sliding over the thin film of sweat that clung to his skin. Goosebumps rose in the wake of her touch, and Finn mumbled again. 

  
“Mm. ‘Snice" 

  
Rae kissed his forehead, tasting salt on her lips as she murmured, "If you turn over, I’ll do your back." 

  
Finn cracked an eye, peering up at her before craning his neck to give her a kiss. He held her to him for a moment, then rolled over. Rae shifted onto her side, propping her head up with one arm as she began tracing feather-light patterns onto her boyfriend’s back. He gave a low hum of pleasure when her fingers found the nape of his neck, and Rae glanced down to see the hairs on his leg standing on end. The fact that she could give him goosebumps on his legs just by stroking his neck was still a wonder to Rae – nobody had ever reacted to her the way Finn did. She’d never been with someone who did much more than turn over and fall asleep after sex, never had someone who couldn’t resist her touch. The fact that her "good tickles” sent Finn straight to sleep was irrelevant – there was a world of difference between someone who fell asleep with contentment and someone who dropped off because they didn’t care enough to hold her. 

  
Rae’s hands ghosted up and down his back, trailing over all the spots she knew he liked the most. She suppressed a sigh as she concentrated on keeping her touch light – he had all those glorious back muscles and she could hardly feel them.  _The things I sacrifice…_  As her fingertips drew symbols of love, Finn’s breath slowed, growing deeper with every inhalation. Once he began to snore, Rae withdrew her hand and placed a kiss between his shoulder blades. Taking care not to wake him, she got out of bed, pulling on her tee and underwear before padding barefoot down the hall. She wasn’t tired yet, and she’d worked up a hell of an appetite over the last half hour. Good thing there was a bit of pasta left over from dinner, even if it was just a few bites. 

  
_He’s gonna bite again._

_  
_ Rae watched Finn’s hand move towards his mouth and fought off the urge to gag as his teeth began to nibble on a nail. Even though Finn wasn’t the most unkempt person she had ever known, she could see a thin line of dirt trapped under his nails, including under the one he was gnawing on.  _So gross. It’s a wonder he hasn’t gotten dysentery._  She looked away in an attempt to ignore it, her thumbnails pressing half-moons into the pads of her fingers as she struggled to keep to herself, but she could hear the odd little popping sounds of teeth prying at nail. She knew nailbiting was an old habit of his and that he didn’t even know he was doing it half the time, but he kissed her with that mouth. The one that was chomping away at god knows what. A shudder ran down her back – she couldn’t keep her revulsion in any longer. 

  
“Y'know you’re basically eating all the germs that are trapped under your nails when you do that, right?” She sounded like a mother scolding her child, but at this point, wasn’t that the role she was playing? She’d asked him to stop biting a million times by now, had explained time and again how bad it was healthwise and how much it bothered her, all to no avail. It was infuriating. 

  
Finn’s eyes darkened in response as he dropped his hand to his thigh, the palm connecting with a dull  _smack_. Unable to concentrate on anything besides the shine of spit around his thumbnail, Rae didn’t catch the shift in his mood until he spoke. 

  
“So you keep telling me,” Finn muttered, eyes fixed on the telly as he watched Man U pound Chelsea into the ground. 

  
“And yet you keep doin’ it.” Rae could hear the exasperation in her tone and felt a flash of guilt – she hated nagging Finn. He had been loving, patient, and supportive through a lot of her “mental messes,” as she called them, and she didn’t want to seem unappreciative or mean. She knew she couldn’t be easy to live with, but still, she didn’t ask much from him. Why couldn’t he do this one little thing? 

  
A tight silence hung between them for a moment, broken only by the sound of the tinny voice of the football announcer. Then: 

  
“Isn’t that what 'habit’ means? Somethin’ you can’t stop yourself from?” Finn’s lifeless tone was at odds with his eyes, which flicked back and forth, tracking the ball across the green pitch. Rae glanced at the telly – the score was so lopsided that it was hardly a match anymore, and it certainly didn’t warrant the amount of attention Finn was giving it.  _He’s avoiding me again, that bastard._  Lately, Finn would never look at her if they were talking, no matter how insignificant or important the matter was. She could be asking him what he wanted for tea, and he’d give her no more than a shrug and a muttered, “whatever”. He was like a sullen teenager, rather than a man who had been so wonderful such a short time ago. She wanted to grab his head and force him to face her, to pry his attention away from the bloody match for once. Instead, she rolled her eyes. 

  
“Yes, Finn, that is the definition of 'habit’. The really magical thing about habits, though, is that they can be broken if you actually care enough to try." 

  
He did look at her then, and Rae could see that she’d hurt him, but the fact that he seemed unwilling to try to kick a habit that bothered her so much hurt too. She’d battled to quell her pen-tapping tendencies when they’d first gotten together – it might seem like an insignificant thing, but it was a long-ingrained habit that had been difficult to quit. Why wouldn’t he put forth the same kind of effort for her? Anger overcame disgust and she stood, leaving Finn on the sofa as she stormed her way down the hall to the loo. The sight of the dirt under his nails had made her own feel unclean, and they itched for a good scrubbing. 

  
She had lathered her hands twice and brushed her teeth by the time the sofa creaked under Finn’s shifting weight as he got up. His footsteps padded down the hallway and paused on the other side of the bathroom door. She could sense his hesitation and waited for a knock or an entreating "Rae”, but neither came; instead, she heard him retreat to the living room and plop back down onto the protesting settee. 

  
_He’s not even going to try and fix this?_  Fuming, Rae yanked her cabinet drawer open, fumbling around until she found her makeup bag, which was buried in the back corner from months of disuse. She had no idea where she was going to go or if she was even going to see anyone, but she needed to get out of the flat and wanted to look a bit glammed up, even if it was only to get back at Finn for his insensitivity. She swiped on some mascara and a bit of the gloss that was too sticky (but made her lips look amazing), then brushed her hair into silky waves. After a once-over in the mirror, she breezed through the flat, tugging on her shoes before gathering her wallet and keys. Finn’s shoulders slumped as he watched her from his perch on the couch, but she didn’t acknowledge him. 

  
She was halfway down the stairs before his voice echoed down the stairwell. 

  
“Rae. Hey, wait up!" 

  
Rae turned and waited as Finn jogged up beside her, unwinded and grinning. She’d been sipping on her iced coffee, luxuriating in the cold sweetness so much that she hadn’t realized he’d hung back. She looked down to see a plastic shopping bag in the hand unoccupied by his blended coffee, the dark blue plastic emblazoned with the logo of their favorite cafe. 

  
She raised an eyebrow. "What’s this, then?" 

  
"Show ya when we get there.” Finn tilted his head in a come-on gesture and smiled, offering his arm. Rae looped hers through his as they meandered down the busy pavement, the homeward rush of the Leeds workforce and summertime uni students eager to start their weekends eddying around them. The stream carried them to their post-cafe haunt of Woodhouse Moor, where they often spent hours talking and people-watching. It wasn’t an exciting date by any means, but Rae wouldn’t change their newest tradition for the world. 

  
Their shadows were lengthening in the early evening sunlight as the pair chose a spot to sit on the grassy area near the monument to Queen Victoria. A rowdy group of teenagers on their way to the local walked by, their laughter overblown and joyous in the anticipation of a perfect July night. The heady scent of the blossoms in Victoria’s ornamental garden wafted on the light breeze, momentarily overcoming the unavoidable odors of the city. Rae inhaled deeply, then turned towards Finn and poked the mysterious bag. 

  
“So what’ve you got here?" 

  
Finn set his drink down and reached into the bag, pulling out a rectangular box. He handed it to her with a smile and waited for her to open it. Inside was a navy mug with the cafe’s logo printed in white. 

  
Finn shrugged. "Just thought we should have somethin’ from there,” he explained, “it bein’ where we met and all.” He tapped on the bag, indicating there was an identical box still inside. “Got one for me too, so we can - ” He pulled up short, looking embarrassed. Before Rae could tease him into finishing his thought, he leaned forward and kissed her, and all thoughts fled her mind. 

  
Jeers and hollers brought them back to reality. A group of teenaged lads were strutting down the path towards them, full of teasing looks that reminded Rae of the Green Lane boys from her college days. She felt Finn’s gaze searching her for signs of distress – she had told him about her encounters with Big G and his twattish cronies and how the worst of it had been the shouting on the streets. She met his concern with a slight head shake. Perhaps on another night she would have been bothered, but this evening was shaping up to be too perfect to let something as silly as a couple of kids ruin it. Giving him a brave smile, Rae leaned in for another kiss that dissolved into laughter as Finn flashed a V at the jeering boys, who, with a few rude gestures of their own, continued on their way. 

  
Smirking at their retreating forms, Rae laid back on the grass, clasping her hands over her stomach as she watched a flock of crows pass overhead. She felt Finn going in to nuzzle her neck, but was surprised when his voice sounded low and throaty in her ear.

  
“I am so turned on by you right now,” he rumbled before giving her earlobe a nip.

  
Rae swatted at his arm, both delighted and astonished over his admission. “Are not.”

  
Finn leaned back, propping himself up on one elbow as he looked down at her. “What? It’s true,” he replied, his tone so matter-of-fact that Rae laughed again. He frowned. “You don’t believe me, do ya?”

  
Rae gave a one-sided shrug, her lips still upturned in a smile. “It’s not that I don’t believe ya, it’s that I have no idea why. It’s a bit silly, innit?”

  
“No.”

  
Rae glanced over at Finn, her smile fading as she saw his knit brows. For once, words failed her – she wasn’t sure when the mood had shifted from playful to serious, but she wished she could bring it back. A weighted silence hung over them as they lay, Rae staring at the clouds as Finn twirled a blade of grass between his thumb and index finger.

  
“Y'know why I like you, right?”

  
Rae blinked at the abrupt query. “What?”

  
Finn forged on without repeating the question, his eyes meeting hers as he spoke. “You’re funny. You’re smart. You have good taste in music. And you know I think you’re beautiful, yeah?”

  
Rae felt a blush rising in her cheeks, but she nodded. He’d told her that many times, but she still couldn’t believe that anyone, let alone someone as fit as Finn, could find her remotely attractive. She fought the deep-seated urge to make a self-deprecating joke and instead waited for Finn to continue.

  
“But that’s not it. It’s because you’re strong.” He dropped the grass blade and began playing with a lock of her hair instead, allowing it to slip through his fingers like silk. “I know… I know that you’ve had trouble with that, with people. That twats like them would’ve usually bothered ya. But ya didn’t let 'em tonight. You were strong, and that’s why I’m attracted to ya.”

  
Rae felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, and laughed at the concerned expression on Finn’s face as one spilled over. “This is a happy tear,” she said, her heart swelling at the visible wave of relief that washed over her boyfriend’s face. She sat up and leaned over for a kiss, only pulling away when another tear fell. She grinned and closed her eyes, reaching up to dry them. 

  
“You’ve turned me into a proper mess, Nelson,” she joked, only to be met with silence. She cracked one eye open to look at him, but the space beside her was empty. Alarmed, she whipped her head around, scanning the area near her. She’d only had her eyes closed for a second, where could he have gone?

  
“Finn? Is this some kind of joke?” Rae stood, brushing a few blades of dead grass off the seat of her jeans as she called out. Ignoring the strangers around her, Rae walked around, calling for Finn. “Okay, this isn’t funny! Where are ya?" 

  
A sense of panic had nearly overcome her when the realization dawned on her. An image of a haloed chair came unbidden to her mind, and she remembered. She felt her knees wobble under her and sat down hard, a cold ache settling inside her as she looked up to the sky. _How could I have ever agreed to this?_

_  
_ "No, please. I don’t want to do this any more,” she moaned before shouting to the sky. “I want to call it off! Doctor Kahn!” She waved her arms above her head and rocked up onto her knees, pleading with the scudding clouds overhead. Could they hear her? Was there any way to stop the wipe from inside? She doubted it. Her voice dropped to a whisper as her shoulders slumped forward in defeat. “Please. Please. Just let me have this one. You can take the rest, but let me keep this.”

  
“Keep what, ya numpty?”

  
Rae glanced over to where Finn stood flipping through one of the 'L’ racks in the rock section of Top Volume, moving his head in time to the Elastica track playing over the store’s PA system. He craned his neck to see which disc she held and grinned when he saw she’d picked out Joy Division’s  _Unknown Pleasures_. 

  
“A bit mainstream, but it’s good. Not as mint as what I’ve got, 'course, but good.”

  
Rae looked down at the CD, white sound waves on a field of black, and watched it tumble from her fingers. It clattered to the ground, the jewel case opening on impact and the disc popping free, sliding to a stop under the racks. Finn frowned.

  
“Y’ alright?”

  
Before she could answer or stop him, he was on his knees, retrieving the CD. She watched him piece the case back together and place the disc inside, and was about to apologize for her clumsiness when he turned his face up to her.

  
Rae wanted to scream, but only managed a yelp of shock. A flesh-toned lump was where his face should have been – it was like someone had tried to mold a Finn out of clay, but had given up halfway through. She turned away with a shudder and covered her face with her hands, unwilling to look at… whatever that was behind her.  _If that’s what an erased memory looks like, maybe I’m glad I won’t remember any of this._ She felt Finn’s hand on her shoulder as he tried to turn her towards him. 

  
“Rae? What’s wrong?" 

  
His voice was solid and familiar, and though she feared what she would see, she turned to face him. This version of him only lived in her head these days, but she felt like she owed him an explanation all the same. 

  
"Finn, I –” She broke off at the sight of a perfectly normal Finn-face.  _Good. I don’t know if that will make telling him this easier or harder, but at least it isn’t that awful blob._  “I… okay, there’s no easy way to say this,” she muttered, rubbing at her forehead and wondering if she was insane for feeling guilt over what she was about to tell a figment of her own mind.

  
“To say what?”

  
“Please don’t be upset with me. I don’t know if I could handle it right now. But I’m getting some of my memories erased.”

  
Finn scoffed, his disbelief clear as day. “A memory wipe.”

  
Rae swallowed hard against the lump that had risen in her throat. “Yeah.”

  
Finn looked at her, incredulous. “Those actually exist?” At her miserable nod, he continued. “Wait, what’re ya getting wiped?”

  
“You.”

  
A stunned speechlessness answered her confession. After a moment, Finn’s voice cracked through the quiet. “Ya what?”

  
Rae felt a flash of indignation at his kicked-dog attitude. How dare he be hurt? It was his fault this was happening in the first place. “You did it first!  _You_  wiped  _me_.  _You_  decided you didn’t want me any more. That’s the whole reason I’m doing this – I can’t be in love with someone who literally  _doesn’t know I exist_.”   


Finn looked thunderstruck. “Rae, I don’t think I’d do that.”

  
“Yeah, well, you did.”  _Fuck, I’m crying again._

_  
_ Finn approached cautiously and, when she didn’t rebuke him, wrapped his arms around her. She felt him place a kiss on her temple and gave a shaky sigh. “But I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to erase you. We had some really bad times, but there are a lot of good ones I don’t want to forget.” She sniffed and buried her face in the crook of his shoulder. “I loved you… still love you… and I don’t want you gone. I want ya, even if you’re nothing but a memory.”

  
Finn shushed her and held her tighter, tracing meaningless patterns on her back like he had in happier days. She relaxed into his touch, and it wasn’t until she felt him stiffen and heard him whisper “Rae?” that she looked up. 

  
All around them, Top Volume was crumbling. 

  
The vibrant colors of the shop were washed out and faded, and the Elastica track was warbled as a ripple of destruction moved through the store. CDs began disappearing from shelves as hairline cracks formed in the walls, fractures that were widening at an alarming rate. Rae grabbed Finn’s hand and began running towards the door, dodging chunks of plaster raining down from above.   
  
“We have to get out of here!” she shouted back at Finn, whose face was looking  vaguely unformed again.

  
“Can ya do that? Just take me somewhere else?” he yelled back over the din of destruction. 

  
“Dunno, but I’m gonna try. I can’t leave you here,” she added under her breath as her brain raced to come up with a solution. She wasn’t even sure how she kept moving from memory to memory, so how could she choose which to go to next? Rae paused at the shop’s glass door, hand resting on the push plate as she hesitated. 

  
“You’re erasing just me, yeah?” Finn’s voice was hurt, but steady. At her nod, he continued. “So let’s go somewhere I shouldn’t be. Maybe they won’t find us.”

  
Rae wanted to hug him for his quick thinking, but time was short. Instead, she squeezed her eyes shut as her mind searched on a memory that didn’t involve Finn. Once she chose one, her lips twisted into a wry smile.  _There’s no way this one is on the map for erasure._ Holding his hand firmly in hers, Rae exited Top Volume, blinking against the blinding light.

  
———-

  
The sunlight was too bright after the dim interior of Top Volume, but the fact that he could see it at all was the only positivity Finn needed. Once his eyes adjusted, he looked at his surroundings and let out a huff of surprise.

  
“Well, fuck me.” 


End file.
